Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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