Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
