i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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