i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
