Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you. Go after that dick
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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