scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
