I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
