If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
