and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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