Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
