I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
