she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
