I cannot find my penis.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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