I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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