where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
