why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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