this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
