Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
