I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
