spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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