her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
