tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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