Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
