I could make wine with my vomit
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
