Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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