Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize