So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
