I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
