Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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