So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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