i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
