I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize