Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
