I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He has the fingertips of a God
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
