If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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