I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
