took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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