Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
