Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
