you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
