It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
