why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
