I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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