Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
