god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
