3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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