I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm passing your future prison.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
