I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
