Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
