I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
