Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
