Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
