Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
