I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
