Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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