Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
