I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
