Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
