Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
