I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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