wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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