Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
