Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
